My Sheep Hear My Voice by
William Michael
Parenting in the Light of Christian
Philosophy
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Above: A middle eastern shepherd
waters his sheep. When he calls, they come.
Consider the effort he takes to provide this water. |
Recently during Evening Prayer, I
read an Antiphon with my children that required me to pause and reflect:
"My sheep hear my voice."
It struck me that Our Lord did not say, "My
sheep should hear my voice.", or "I hope my sheep hear my voice."
He spoke confidently, "My sheep do hear my voice."
Unfortunately, most urban and suburban
families have little understanding of the life of the shepherd and
misunderstand the illustrations that assume such knowledge. Most
popular pictures of Jesus as a shepherd show Him nonchalantly walking
around with sheep as they eat in rich pastures, along fresh streams of
water. This is not the life of a true shepherd, and certainly not
the image Jesus had in mind when he used these illustrations.
First of all, the role of a shepherd is to
feed and protect sheep. The reason for this is that (a) there is
no food or water available for them and (b) they live in danger.
Shepherds are not needed in places of rich pasture and fresh streams!
The shepherds must provide places where there is food and water.
Normally, the shepherds must bear the expense to purchase and maintain
these areas--you can't graze on your neighbors' land. On more
domesticated farms, farmers have to buy or grow the food the animals
need for winter, when all grass dies and the ground is covered with
snow. Pastures need to be tilled and reseeded. They have to
build and maintain miles of sturdy fencing. This is an enormous
expense, requiring constant labor. A broken fence or a bad hay
harvest can lead to the loss of dozens of animals.
As a farmer, I understand this very well.
I have to feed calves in the middle of winter...in the middle of the
night. I have to harvest hay for winter feeding. I have to
spend hundreds of dollars on supplemental feed, pasture seed, fencing
and equipment to care for the animals. As a result, the animals
learn to hear my voice. The yard can be
filled with a hundred different voices: kids playing, adults talking,
and so on. However, they can single my voice out of the rest. They know that apart
from me they have no access to fresh water, hay and best of
all...sweet feed. "My sheep hear my voice."
However, in the midst of summer, when the
grass is thick and there's plenty of rain, their self-sufficiency makes
them less eager to run to me when I call. Also, when they go into
heat, the females across the road may be more desirable for them than my
fresh water--my fences need to be strong. As a farmer, it is my
duty to think ahead, know what my animals will face and make sure that
the practical measures have been taken to ensure that they are kept
safe, come what may.
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Above: Most underestimate
the planning and labor required of a shepherd.
Consider the time and expense of the fencing above.
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Shepherding and Parenting
The significance of this for parents cannot
be overemphasized. To understand this best, we need to use logic to draw a
few additional conclusions:
1. If you are my sheep, then
you will hear my voice.
2. If you do not hear my voice,
then you are not my sheep.
3. If a sheep hears my voice, I
am its shepherd.
4. If a sheep does not hear my
voice, I am not its shepherd.
For parents, the fourth argument is the one
parents must focus on. There are many families in which children
do not listen to their parents. Unfortunately, I have to observe
this firsthand as I instruct other people's children. "Peter, stop
yelling. Peter, listen to me. Peter, stop..., Peter!".
This behavior--ignoring the voice of one's parents is the worst form of
disobedience in children. A child who does not listen to the voice
of his or her parents is ignoring the voice of life and blessing God has
ordained in their life. It is among the surest signs of spiritual
death and must be remedied by the parents.
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Above: A
shepherd feeds his sheep in the midst of a blizzard. The hay
he carries was grown and cut in spring and summer and
harvested while the pastures were thick and green. His
care for the sheep then saves them at this time. He
has in his hands the life and happiness of his sheep.
They have nothing apart from him. They look to him as
such and know his voice. |
The Cause of the Behavior
Unfortunately, some parents are far down bad
paths when I am asked to help. They already have
their excuses and reasons ready and well-rehearsed. "Peter eats
too much sugar.", "Peter doesn't like Math.", "Peter is ADHD". On
and on they go. I listen, but when I see the parent cowering
before the child, my diagnosis is over.
The cause of this behavior is not that some
secret psychological disorder has overtaken the child's life.
These medical diagnoses are observations of symptoms, not of causes.
To have a doctor whose philosophy of human behavior is not consistent
with Christian principles of free will, moral responsibility and
supernatural influences is
lazy and reckless. The cause is easy to find and the true Christian
faith lights our way to not only find the problem but to fix it.
In argument #4 above, we find the cause.
Your children do not listen to your voice because you are not their
shepherd. What I mean by this is that, like sheep, every
human being has a master or set of masters: people or things they
believe control their happiness. They fear these masters and
listen to their voice. When your children do not listen to your
voice it is a sign that they do not believe that you are the source of
their happiness. This is your fault.
God has established parents as the means by
which He blesses children. The commandment "Honor your mother and
father." comes with a promise of blessing. This commandment
confirms that a child's parents are the source of a child's happiness in
God's order of things. Parents act badly in not affirming
this in their behavior, and children act badly in not fearing this
command.
Again, your children are listening to a
shepherd. The problem is that another shepherd has been allowed to
replace Mom and Dad in their hearts.
The Remedy of this Behavior
The child is no longer persuaded that Mom
and Dad are his or her source of happiness and blessing. The
remedy for this problem is to show the child that you are and lead him
to again carefully listen for your voice.
First of all, parents need to examine
themselves--the problem begins here. Do you resemble a good
shepherd--unselfish, caring, vigilant? Many parents are
materialistic, selfish and lazy. They want good children so they
can be left alone to do their own will, like children themselves.
They resemble the hired shepherd concerned more about their wages than
the sheep they watch. Their lack of care inspires their children
to look elsewhere for happiness. The loss of respect and
relationships should be no surprise. The ultimate source of
parent-inspired bad behavior is hypocrisy. Until this is
addressed, all hope of effective parenting should be abandoned. It
will never work.
Second, parents control every good
thing children enjoy: food, clothing, housing, activities,
friends, recreation, toys, etc.. Unfortunately, weak-willed
parents encourage children to think that they (the children) control
these benefits and not Mom and Dad. Since Mom and Dad do not act
as the masters of these benefits, their commands no longer serve as the
means of obtaining them. The children take them for granted or
have developed a sense of entitlement to them, and look forward to the next
set of items they desire. As the parents do not control
these benefits, their words and commands seem to be of no real importance, and the
children press right on past them. This behavior is impossible in the
presence of responsible parents, especially parents who have the guts to
affirm God's order in the family.
Second, children should never be allowed to
assume the benefits are theirs independent their parents' will (see
Deut. 8:11-20 for a spiritual comparison). The parents set the
schedule and rules for every child and enforce it. Benefits are
the reward of living in line with the parents rules. When a child
chooses to dishonor a parent's will, let him be denied the
benefit of obedience. For example, if a child will not do as Mom
commands and set the table, let him lose Mom's dinner. Period.
If a child will not put his toys away as Dad says, throw them away.
Period. The child must learn that the benefits they enjoy are
completely in the power of Mom and Dad, and that Mom and Dad are not
afraid to remove them--even permanently. The children will learn to fear and
follow.
Third, parents should not fear that this
kind of radical parenting will harm their children. First of all,
it is a simple outworking of Christian principle. Our Lord says,
"If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off." As parents, we
are simply honoring this principle on behalf of our children. This
is our job as their parents--to provide the behavior control that they
are not capable of providing themselves, that they may observe all that
Christ has commanded as His disciples. This is why they were
baptized, after all. For a sober look at the correct disposition
towards discipline, consider Sirach 30:
"He who spoils his son
will have wounds to bandage, and will quake inwardly at every
outcry. A colt untamed turns out stubborn; a son left to
himself grows up unruly. Pamper your child and he will be a
terror for you, indulge him and he will bring you grief. Share
not in his frivolity lest you share in his sorrow, when finally your
teeth are clenched in remorse. Give him not his own way in his
youth, and close not your eyes to his follies. Bend him to the yoke
when he is young, thrash his sides while he is still small, Lest he
become stubborn, disobey you, and leave you disconsolate.
Discipline your son, make heavy his yoke, lest his folly humiliate
you."
Such parenting will not lead to years of
punishments--it will quickly eliminate the behavior that leads to years
of punishments. Children will quickly learn to stay in line when
the consequences are real. Also, they will learn to appreciate how
much good their parents do for them and develop a genuine sense of love
for them. In the end, they will again hear their parents'
voice, because their parents have resumed their God-given role as shepherds in deed and not merely in word.
Remember: Your
children are listening to the voice of who/what they believe to be their
shepherd. Make sure it is yours.
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